Bedtime story

I wake up in the middle of night, with my neck burning and a migraine in full bloom. That nasty devil, degenerative disc disease, is stealing my nights away. So it's off to the physio for pain relief and strengthening exercises. And that old, sagging mattress has got to go.

If you haven't shopped for a mattress in a while, you're in for a shock. Most of them are finished on only one side now, so you can't flip them. That means they'll wear out twice as quickly. Do you want a coil mattress? Will that be continuous coil or pocket coil? How many twists to the coil? How thick is that coil anyway? Want a little softness on top? Would you like traditional top, pillowtop, Eurotop or boxtop? All of them are sewn on to the top of the mattress, so once that foam topping starts to sag, you'll be uncomfortable, even if the mattress below it is still fine. So how about a memory foam mattress instead? Well, that's one toxic chemical stew an inch from your nose. You feel like you're sinking in sand and you can't roll over. And it retains your body heat, which may feel great in winter, but a bit tropical in summer. All these mattresses are much higher than mattresses used to be: I saw some as high as 13 inches. It's just done for esthetics, to make the mattresses look more substantial. A lot of people will find that their feet don't reach the floor. Picture what that means for a frail senior fishing around for her slippers in the middle of the night. Want to comparison shop? The manufacturers have put a stop to that; they sell the same product to the various retailers using different names. And what about warranties? You can find a 30-year warranty if you look around, but it only applies if the mattress sags one and a half inches or more. You'd have to be forklifted out of a crater like that.

What these mattress manufacturers don't do is create a product that's good for your back, and provides comfort, support, and durability. Why would they? It would be bad for sales. Mattresses these days are the ultimate marketing triumph: a product that's nothing but spin. Whatever you buy, you're borked.