Elderpop

If you're a CBC radio listener like me, you've heard them again and again: all those wispy, earnest singer-songwriter voices, so convenient for meeting Cancon quotas. Of course there are lots of terrific singer-songwriters too, but in this genre you apparently don't need quality to get airtime. A capacity for self-delusion and a big dollop of chutzpah should do the trick. Why should young people get all the glory? It's time to make up for the shocking lack of elderly singer-songwriter voices on the air. Just follow these simple guidelines:

• You don't need to write any tunes. Just start with two or three notes and repeat them over and over, do mi do mi do mi do mi do.
• After about 15 seconds of this, move up a couple of notes and start belting. This is called the hook, the catchy theme that you want listeners to remember, so wake them up.
• Your lyrics need to be sincere and heartfelt. Take themes from your own life experience. Maybe sing about how you'd love to turf your adult son from the basement, or what your body feels like when you try to get up in the morning, or the joys of the afternoon nap. Lots of scope for heartfelt emotion there.
• Take a breath whenever you feel like it. It's especially effective in the middle of a word.
• Strip all dynamics and phrasing from your voice. Throw in lots of glottal stops. If your voice is a little wobbly with age, all the better, it'll give you a more genuine vibe.
• You only need to know three or four chords to accompany yourself on the guitar or keyboard. It doesn't matter if the chord progressions don't fit the melody. If anyone asks, you can tell them you're being innovative.
• If you can't play an instrument, just type "songwriting software" in Google. Some of it is free. It adds a nice techno flavour.
• If you really can't sing, prop up your voice with auto-tune. This costs a bit of money, but it will fix up all the notes you missed. You'll sound like a robot, but heck, it worked for Cher.

And there you have it: elderpop. Pops pop? Mom and pop pop?