Loneliness in old age

This won’t be news to you: loneliness in old age is rampant. It’s a disease, an epidemic, a tsunami. Just ask Google.

It doesn’t behave like other diseases, though. We don’t go to the doctor and have tests done to get diagnosed. We’re the ones who decide if we’re lonely. We might say we’re lonely if we feel that we’re not connected meaningfully to other people, to the world, to life; that we don’t belong anywhere. We might feel this way even when we’re surrounded by people, if the relationships are not satisfying. And we might not feel this way even when we’re alone; we might be perfectly content with solitude.

The research literature offers some surprises. It turns out that there are two stages in life when loneliness peaks. One is in young adulthood (teens and twenties), the time of life when we’re trying to figure out who we are and what role we will play in the world. That’s a lot of responsibility at a time when we don’t yet have life experience and resilience skills to help us through. The other peak is in old-old age (80+). That’s a time when our social world may be shrinking. We may have lost a spouse or close friends, and health issues may be keeping us at home.

I think there’s a special poignancy to loneliness among seniors. We need all the resilience we’ve built up over the years to deal with those painful losses and our own physical and maybe mental decline. Not everyone has the social skills or the will to make new friends at this point. Those who have had difficulties with relationships all their lives may now need to accept that this is how it will always be. And we may feel shame about our loneliness. We may not want to admit our feelings to others, and risk falling into the stereotype of the lonely old person, and becoming an object of pity.

I’m no therapist, and don’t want to serve up clichés. So I’ll just say that I think we need to become good, honest friends with ourselves in old age. That might involve figuring out just how much interaction we really want now, and what kind. Do we want high social involvement? Then we might look for activities like social clubs, book clubs, or group dining. Maybe we want high involvement, but where the main focus is not social. Then we might choose activities like choirs, fitness classes, sports, or card games. Maybe we want activities that don’t need to involve us very much, like lifelong learning classes. Or maybe we’d like high involvement solo activities, like reading, computer games, hobbies, or crafts. Maybe we don’t want to do any soul-searching, we just want to keep busy. No shame in that. Many seniors are very involved with family or religious activities or volunteer work. It’s pretty easy to fill up our calendar; there are hundreds of options right here at Senior Toronto.

On the wall in my computer room I have a print of Vermeer’s painting, The Lacemaker. A young woman sits bent over her work, bobbins and pins in hand. Her expression is intense, rapt, totally involved, mind, body and soul. The light shines on her face and hands. Behind her there’s just a grey wash, no hint of a background at all. There’s no need; her world is complete as she plies her craft. I love that state of mind and try to seek it out. For me it comes when I’m learning something interesting and feel myself grow in understanding, like when I’m preparing a blogpost or learning a new piece of music. Then I’m fully alive, and it gives me such pleasure, it’s impossible to feel lonely.